My first true pilgrimage was the famous Camino de Santiago. The first day was a perfect day for the long trek over the Pyrenees Mountains, from St. Jean-Pied-du-Port in France into Spain. I was set to walk all 780 km of this famous pilgrimage.
As I started the day, I stopped in a church to light a candle for my mom in front of the Virgin holding the baby Jesus. It was our thing and it was my birthday. Mom had been going through a difficult time and I knew it pained her not to have me there. In fact, I could feel her pain as I left the church. I bent over and stopped to ask her to let me go, I promised I would be back again and everything would be OK.
I then began the long ascent up the mountain, and what I didn’t know was at the same time she was beginning her painful ascent into death by choosing to end her life.
Camino de Santiago
Early on two Irish sisters asked me what I thought happens after we die. I was panting too heavily to answer but promised one in a pub somewhere later on. The question followed me through the day. Towards the peak, in a rare, hobbit grove of trees and sheep, one sheep in particular was glowing. I stopped and knew it wasn’t just a sheep. I took her in for about 5 minutes and then moved on. Later, when I knew my mom was dead, my deceased grandmother showed up. The sheep was her that day, letting me know everything was OK.
It was a while before anything would be OK, though, for me. A year into this grief I visited a nun at St. Ben’s University in Collegeville, MN for spiritual direction. I was completely lost and in deep distress and pain. She asked if I resented my mom for ending my pilgrimage. I was very angry for not being able to finish a goal of a lifetime. To which her reply was, “Well the pilgrimage from the head to the heart is much longer than 780km.” Pointing to her head and then her heart.
These were the beginnings of Pilgrim Lark. It was an email address I created for my identity those few weeks, and it was resurrected this year when I decided to continue this pilgrimage. One I had been on all along, and one I am now being called to share. Pilgrim Lark is my journey and an invitation for others to journey from their head to their heart. It’s a long, beautiful, painful, arduous, and ultimately joyful one. One that is much better done together than alone.
