Recently I returned from a trip out west with my mind, body and spirit whirling. The purpose was to attend a silent retreat focused on the Enneagram, the hope was to connect on a deeper level with myself and several friends, new and old, be it on the two day train ride out to Seattle, on retreat, or in their west coast homes.
Painting by Susan Thomas
The Enneagram is a spiritual typology of 9 interconnecting personalities. The theory is as children we delve into one of the nine types as our ego or personality shield that protects us. I have lived as an 8 ever since I discovered this system ten years ago. The 8 is the boss, the challenger, the protector. I’ve loved being an 8. It’s worked for me. Technically, though, you’re not supposed to love your type. Your type, when fully realized, brings you to your knees with humility for the way your ego has been at play.
I’ve considered other type possibilities, all of them actually. Expect for the 6. Sixes are the skeptic, the loyalist, the questioner. When we got to the 6 on the retreat I read through the list of characteristics and thought – “Well shit, this is me.” Then I thought, “Yeah but this is only me in my relationship with my partner.” It was easy to blame him for my predicament at first, but as the hours of silence ensued a flood of memories and moments washed over me. I saw in each instance how deep seated primal fear took over without me knowing.
Never have I been so grateful to be in silence where the people around you weren’t even supposed to look at you. The tears flowed down my cheeks along with a wave of emotions. I was terrified, then humiliated, then angry, then afraid, then…grateful. If it wasn’t for my partner I don’t know that I would have come to see myself so clearly. All the times we thought of breaking up or people suggested he was anything but the right fit for me made sense now. I came with more understanding as to why we are in relationships.
I was welcomed on this trip out west into the homes of four couples. It can be a very vulnerable thing to do, invite someone into your home, whether you’ve known them a few months, a few years, or are meeting for the first time. Nevertheless I was welcomed each time into my friends’ lives. Stories were shared. Mostly stories about our relationships, current and past. Many included stories of betrayal. Each one of us shared a story about a best friend who no longer speaks to us. We’re all in imperfect love relationships. We’re all on some level doing the work with those we love.
At the end of my travels I was invited into the home of a Quaker woman whose husband had recently died. He was a man who was larger than life, a Walt Whitman in stature and presence, a man who had transformed himself several times from a Chemist whose work had destroyed lives, to a Quaker minister, to a master student of Jungian philosophy and dream work. I could feel his presence whelming over us as we ate breakfast at the table where his physical presence used to preside.
After several hours of eating and talking, his wife invited me into his studio that is now a shrine, covered with pictures and countless books full of his words. She left me there for a while. My eyes wondered until they fell upon a wall hanging. It was a picture of three dogs with the quote, “Love is Shadow Work.”
I thought of my own deep fears and darkness and that of those with whom I had recently spent time. I looked at each couple and each friendship and suddenly had much more compassion. More compassion for the struggles all relationships face. More compassion for those who have chosen not to be in relationship with me anymore. And even more gratitude for those who still are. More awareness and compassion for the ways I’ve hurt others and for the ways they’ve hurt me.
Love is shadow work. This is the reason we choose the people that we do. To heal our wounds. To become aware of our deep pain. To learn to love better today than we did the day before.
This is why I travel. Technically I could have sat in my chair at home and come to these conclusions, but without my friends on the west coast I don’t know that I would have. I go out there to go in here, into the heart realms, and then I bring that back to my everyday life.
These are the moments I live for, both the dark and the light. Love is the reason I continue to go forward. Love is shadow work with love shining the light. In this I put my fears and my trust. Love.