We are living in a time when I believe everyone would benefit from having a therapist. There is more acceptance of doing therapy now, as well as many more therapists and types of therapy out there. Yet STILL finding the right therapist is not that easy.
I’ve been in various forms of therapy for over 20 years. I’ve learned a lot, especially in the last couple of years of moving around the country, about finding a good therapist. I’d like to share these tips from the road on how to find the right therapist for you. Here we GO!
Below I cover:
Where to find a therapist
Therapy modalities
Interviewing therapists (plural)
Psychiatrists vs therapists
Ending a therapy relationship
Paying for therapy
My cat shows up for therapy weekly!
Where do I find a therapist
There are three ways I’ve gone about finding a therapist.
One of the best tools is www.PsychologyToday.com. On here you can customize your needs and wants in a therapist – gender, therapy modalities (see below), who they like to work with, insurance coverage, virtual/in person, sometimes their sexual orientation and identity, spiritual philosophy, etc. When I moved to Austin, TX and Asheville, NC this method worked great. In Austin, I had four therapists I couldn’t decide between because they all seemed like they could be a good match. In the end, I loved the one I chose. In Asheville, I interviewed three and one was a definite fit whereas the others were not.
Friends and Family. When I moved back to the Twin Cities, I wasn’t having much luck with the previous method. This led me to the second, most common way I’ve found therapists – through friends. I’m fortunate to have a lot of chaplain and therapist friends. I also have a lot of friends in general doing “the work.” Be selective about who you ask and trust your intuition. This can be a great, supportive way to find someone.
Psychiatrists and other doctors can be a good place to ask for recommendations in your community or health clinic. Depending on what kind of doctor you’re working with, they might even have knowledge of the types of therapy that would be helpful for you. I’ve gotten a lot of recommendations for modalities that have been very helpful in my direction with therapy.
What kind of therapy do I need
For many years, it was almost all talk therapy. But awareness of the body, how it stores trauma and memories, and how we rewire neuropathways for healing have changed the field hugely. If you haven’t had a therapist in the last five years, try again!
I suggest you familiarize yourself with various modalities before searching for a therapist. It’ll give you a better idea of what your options are and a therapist specializing in any of these areas will more likely be relevant in their field.
Below are just a few of the many modalities that I know and have found helpful. In general, I would ask any practitioner how they work with the body in therapy or if they have a somatic (body-based) approach. Click here for a more thorough list of therapy modalities.
EMDR This modality was created to treat PTSD and Trauma. It’s a relatively simple, yet powerful way to help the body process and integrate traumatic events with bilateral stimulation. This can be used both with a one-time event or a series of events, such as a traumatic childhood or abusive relationships. Click here for more information.
Brainspotting A newer modality, brainspotting, also uses bilateral stimulation as well as your eyes to process events. It is used for trauma, negative emotions, and even physical pain. Click here for more information.
Internal Family Systems One of my personal faves for a variety of issues! IFS works with the idea that we all have various parts of ourselves from various times in our lives informing what we think and how we feel about ourselves. With IFS we work to understand these parts and help them by also identifying the Self within each of us that is wise and whole. Check out the Podcast We Can Do Hard Things with Dr. Becky Kennedy. Click here for more information.
DBT This is not one I’ve done much work with, but is worth mentioning. It has been helpful for friends with depression, intrusive thoughts, and bi-polar disorder when other therapies have not helped. I’ve heard them say these are basic life skills we should all be taught. This work is often done in individual sessions as well as group therapy. Click here for more information.
Interviewing potential therapists
This part is key. Almost every therapist will offer a free consultation. These are usually around 15 minutes. I recommend interviewing 2-4 therapists. Even if you are just looking at one, interview them first. I let them know I’m interviewing others when I interview them. This is a major relationship in your life. In these few minutes you can tell a lot about a person and more importantly feel a lot. Trust your intuition when choosing a therapist. Here are a few things I ask to help me decide:
Their approach What is their approach to therapy? Some like to follow a specific protocol for therapy whereas others are more client led. Maybe you don’t know yet which way you prefer, but this question will give you a feel for the therapist and that’s what you’re looking for.
Frequency I usually know if I need to see a therapist weekly, biweekly or monthly. Maybe you do or don’t, but ask how often they like to meet with a client. If you do know what you want, then you’ll find out if this person works for you. If you don’t know what you want, see how you feel with what they say.
Your story Take at least five minutes to tell them about you. Think about this beforehand. Tell them why you’re looking for a therapist (they will probably ask). You might have specifics or this might be your first time and you just want to give it a try. Be honest. Look for how they respond to you. Do they feel supportive and encouraging? Do they seem excited to work with you? If not, red flag!
Expectations It’s important to say your important things up front. It’s also ok to give a therapist a trial. In Austin, for example, I was honest with the therapist I chose about having other good alternatives and we agreed to meet 6 times to see if she was a fit.
Honesty You’re looking for someone you can tell everything to, I believe, unless you’re going for a very specific issue. Still, honesty is key. Is this someone you can trust with your life? I once had a therapist who was pretty judgmental, so I wouldn’t talk to her about some important parts of my life. I should have fired that one sooner. And, yes, firing a therapist is a thing I’ll talk about later.
Other Details You can confirm types of insurance they take or when their availability is (it’s important they have a time that will work with your schedule).
Difference between psychiatrist and therapists
A lot of people are confused about this. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who diagnose mental health as well as prescribe medications (Therapists do not prescribe medications). Since they are doctors, you can use skills you’ve used in finding a doctor as well as some of the tools above. In this area, I’ve had great success in other doctors, such as my general practitioner, providing recommendations.
Ultimately you want someone who seems knowledgeable about your specific mental health condition(s), who can offer guidance as well as a diagnosis that resonates with you, and who is willing to work with you on your medical journey to well-being. Finding the right medication(s) is work, so this is an important relationship as well.
Ending a Relationship with a Therapist
Our therapist is a very important relationship in our life, one central to our health, growth, and healing. At different times we need different things. We’re continually discerning who and what is helpful for us and what we need in life.
At any time, we might decide it’s time to end a relationship with a therapist. It is never easy to end a relationship, with the exception of moving to another state, which I seem to do frequently. At the moment, therapists cannot practice in states where they are not licensed.
Have a conversation when you start with a new therapist about how they like to end the therapy relationship. This way you are prepared. Many therapists have guidelines for how they’d like to conduct the therapy relationship that they present to you at the beginning. Make sure you go over these and feel comfortable with them.
Thing to consider when thinking about ending a relationship with a therapist.
When might be a right time to end a relationship with a therapist?
You feel like you’ve made the progress you hoped for and now want to take time on your own to integrate this.
You don’t feel like you’re making the progress you’d like to make anymore.
You’d like to try a different modality that your therapist doesn’t offer.
You don’t feel comfortable sharing certain parts of your life.
You need to find a better financial fit.
When might you want to stick with a therapist?
When therapy seems tedious and no fun. It’s a long process, maybe you want to stick with it as long as you’ve found a supportive therapist.
If your therapist says something you don’t agree with. Therapists are human. Sometimes it’s worth giving them feedback about how you felt and see how they respond. This can make for an even better relationship. Or can give you the information you need to leave.
You’re in the process of other major life transitions. Changing a therapist, one you’ve had for a while and trust, can be hard.
How to break up with a therapist?
If you can, let your therapist know you’re considering ending therapy and why. If you’d rather not, read on.
Think about your timing. Some therapists I’ve given a heads up while we still had a few sessions left, and we were able to wrap things up really nicely. Other times I’ve told them during a session this would be my last.
Prepare what you want to say ahead of time. I like to start with gratitude and end with gratitude. Your reasons why, if you choose to give them, should be simple and straightforward. I like to do this in person or over the phone when it’s a person I respect and trust. I will say, I’ve had this not go well. While it was uncomfortable, it was confirmation this was the right choice.
Gather support before and after. A good therapist will be supportive of your decision! Friends and family can also be supportive. Again, this is a significant relationship and it’s not always easy to end such a relationship. Having a plan in place for who your next therapist will be can be helpful if you choose to continue therapy.
Paying for A Therapist
In my perfect world, health care would cover teeth and mental health. But we don’t live in that world. Your insurance might not cover mental health and/or it might be very limiting in who you’re able to see. In your search, you can look for people who offer a sliding scale. Many communities will also have clinics that offer therapy at a lower cost or even for free. Sometimes churches support these clinics, other times the community. You can search for sliding scale on www.PsychologyToday.com and www.goodtherapy.org. Otherwise do a google search for free to low cost mental health services or sliding scale mental health services in my area.
NPR recently did an article on this very topic. While I hope my suggestions from personal experience help, this article also offers helpful advice from therapists.